Okay, so last week I had the bright idea of asking for blog topics. Actually, I didn't think anyone would respond. But they did. I received eleven responses. I guess that proves that more people care about what I'm blogging about than I had originally predicted. I got to four of the eleven responses in my last blog, but I felt obligated to tackle the other topics, so here we go!
I guess the easiest way is to just write about them in the order they were received. Jordan Fish asked me to write about myself. While I'm hesitant to unleash all of the glorious secrets that make up me, I figured I'd start with three things about me that you probably didn't know. Hmm, what haven't I told people.Well, I was born in Holland and my mom is Dutch, when I was a kid my sister cut my thumb with scissors and when I was in college I worked as a busboy at the Olive Garden. Man, that was harder than I thought.
Okay, one down six to go. Daniel Drake asked me to write about music, the illuminati and freemason. While I don't really know much about that, I figured a good blogger does research, right? So here we go. The illuminati is defined as persons possessing, or claiming to possess, superior enlightenment. Also the name given to societies or sects because of their claim to superior enlightenment. I actually remember falling asleep to a Tom Hanks moving that talked about this sort of thing, but obviously I didn't buy into it that much or I would have stayed away. I guess one of these orders is the freemasons, a widely distributed secret order having its objective be mutual assistance and the promotion of brotherly love among its members. That sounds pretty groovy to me. I can get down with some brotherly love. I guess the group started with stone workers in the middle ages that would possess secret signs and passwords. The group later accepted masons not connected to the trade. So you're saying there is hope for me yet. Ya, that's it! I could become a freemason and pass secrets through my blog. Now wouldn't that be exciting. Hell, maybe I'm doing it right now and you don't even realize it. Okay, count every sixth word and that's the message you'll have to decode this week. Good luck!
Speaking of secret messages, Stan Kingsberry asked me to tackle politics. Well, I thought about it and started to run after Obama in my head, but he dipped and dove, then sprinted away from me. That dude was faster than I ever imagined. If I can't even tackle politics in my head, I probably shouldn't tackle it in my blog. I suggest you watch Politically Incorrect by Bill Mahr. He's always good for a few chuckles. And if he doesn't work. Try The Steven Colbert Report. That's about the extent of my research into politics these days. If I can't find out what I need to know on Comedy Central, then I probably don't need to know it. Yes, I am what's wrong with the world today. Haven't I been telling you that all along?
Of course, what's right with the world is that we appear to be on the precipice of another sexual revolution. Big word warning!!! Ya, I tried to slip one in on you. Did I use it correctly? If not, please disregard. Well, since Cindy Peters asked me to write about sex, let's get into it. You hear that Ralf, your wife has sex on the brain! You better do something about that buddy...haha Well, in case you didn't know, a 42-year-old American Aids patient living in Berlin was reportedly cured of the Aids virus after undergoing bone marrow transplant of genetically selected bone marrow. The patient had the virus for over a decade and now shows no signs of the virus in his bone marrow, blood and other organ tissues. While doctors say more tests are still needed to confirm it's completely gone, if you ask me that's still very good news about the virus that has infected 33 million people worldwide and kills two million each year. So go and get you some people.
Speaking of "gettin' some" Dell Martin told me to keep it up. I'm 90 percent sure he was talking about my blog writing, but just in case he was sending me a "secret message" in his comment, I figured I'd let everyone know about the latest and greatest cure for erectile dysfunction. Ya, that's right, I Googled it. I guess that in addition to the blue pills you see regularly advertised on television, doing Kegal exercises can also help improve libido and sex drive. The exercises consist of contracting and releasing the pelvic floor muscles that you use to control your pee stream when urinating. The forum post I read this morning described a guy who reportedly changed his diet and added Kegal exercises to start "banging again". While his wording choice and sexual terminology might be a bit misogynistic, I guess it doesn't hurt to try. But it's probably not the best idea to "bang" away on your partner.
Speaking of banging, Tyler Taft asked what I thought the worst possible crime would be. Obviously, murder and rape would be up there, but if you ask me, there's nothing worse than a thief. When people make the decision to take something that's not theirs, it really ticks me off. Why not just work for what you want. Get off your lazy ass and get a job and save the money needed to get all the things you desire. It's not that hard people!!!
Finally, Teresa Kingsberry suggested I write about goals. I used to make these long lists of goals for myself, but typically they'd just end up stacking up in front of me and I'd rarely cross anything off as accomplished. I mean, who needs a bunch of goal lists sitting on the counter reminding them of what a failure they are. So, I say to give up on setting goals. Let life happen. It'll all work out in the end. Hey, I already warned you that I'm what's wrong with this world. The fact that you're still reading this is your fault! haha
BTW...For Drake, There's a band called the Illuminati Congo. I suggest the song "Get My Bruce Lee On" There's also a band called the Freemasons. I suggest the song "Nothing But A Heartache". It's quite a toe tapper. Actually, they all are. If you want to throw a dance party, try putting on the Freemasons.
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