So, last night I had a dream. I was late for a lecture in a crowded room full of strangers and, before I took my seat, the professor looked at me and asked me if I believed in Jesus. In my head, I knew that a vast majority of those strangers were believers, so the easy answer would have been. "Yes, of course." I could have said that, sat down and blended into the crowd. But what I said was "No, not so much."
As I sat down, one of the students asked me why I wasn't down with Jesus and I told him I didn't really wanna talk about it. Truth is, I woke up with a feeling of shame in my answer. It was strong enough that it woke me from my dream to wonder about it some more. Am I really not a believer. Just because I don't regularly attend a place of worship, own a bible or read the good word -- all the things that make someone a good Christian.
Sometimes I find myself quoting the Bible. You know, do on to others...blah blah blah. Just yesterday I searched the internet for a quote on silence and something out of bible seemed fitting, so I posted it on Facebook. I guess if I can put the good word out there to my 2,000 Facebook "friends", then one must assume those words are anointed and my life has been dedicated to the service of God. And if dedication is all it takes, then how come the only preacher I've ever known spent his entire life devoted to teaching the word of the good book and in his golden years he's stricken with cancer. Sometimes life doesn't make sense.
It isn't the first time I've questioned my belief in something. In fact, I do it a lot. Just last week, I found myself wondering if mermaids and aliens exist. And also questioning whether 21st century technology is really the greatest the world has ever known. I mean, could there have been societies in the past that were able to accomplish technological feats greater than ours? Why do we assume we're the end all be all? Are we really that pompous and conceited?
With me, if you believe in one, then you gotta believe in the other. If I see God in my world everyday, then don't I also see the work of the devil. I mean, anyone who turns on the news these days hears about the evil in the world. I'm positive that there's both good and evil in me. My actions aren't always morally accepted by the vast majority, but who says life has to flow exactly how the majority says it should. Sometimes standing up to the majority is what we need in this world to create change. Without change, we can't grow as individuals and collectively. Word!
When asked about my belief system, I've always said I'm a realist. What that means, who knows, but if Jesus is real, then why hasn't he shown himself to me? I've never met the guy, so how can I believe? For me, the Bible is just a good book full of great stories. Heck, there are a lot of good books that someone wrote. And the fact that someone wrote it, leaves things open to interpretation. In every book there's room for interpretation. We read the words and involve ourselves in stories knowing darn well that it's not EXACTLY how it really happened. When I was a journalist that was the toughest thing about covering sports. I never wanted to play favorites, but I couldn't help but let my bias trickle in to what I was writing. That's just the nature of it. An author can claim to be objective, but that's a claim nobody can fully achieve.
So, maybe it was just a dream. And maybe it was my subconscious trying to tell me something. There may come a day of reckoning when I'm asked about my beliefs again. A time when a higher power will compute and calculate all my "immoral" behavior and determine if I'm worthy of that next step into heaven. By then I'd imagine I'll probably be so old and curmudgeon that my cantankerous ways would likely look that person directly in the eye and tell them to mind their own fucking business so I can go back to sleep. Maybe I better think twice before cursing out the Almighty. I could be condemned to a world of eternal damnation. I guess if my sins take me to that place, then that's where I belong. Heck, maybe I'll see you there.
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